Avoidant personality
The Avoidant Personality pattern can sabotage our deep desire to have a life-long love partner. With the Avoidant Personality pattern often loneliness and isolation set in. In spite of your best Intentions, full commitment and dedicated efforts this pattern can be sink your hope for the love relationship that you need and hoped for.
You may be the partner of a partner with the Avoidant Personality Disorder or you may realize that you are the avoidant person. Everyone is frustrated with the outcome of a marriage to an avoidant personality. The spouse gradually becomes aware that intimacy, connection and emotional partnership is not happening with your partner. You now realize how persistent and obstinate the Avoidant Personality pattern is in preventing and blocking any activities that might lead to real connection.
Guide: Given how strong and deep-rooted is the resistance to intimacy nothing but consistent meeting with an experienced psychotherapist. Plan for a weekly session with a therapist or participation in a group or course that meets weekly and is focused on couple communication. Find a therapist who cares, understands, listens with empathy and encourages communication and skill development in you and your marriage partner.
Plan to meet every week either with a couple therapist, or attend a course focused on communication and listening or attend an individual session with an individual therapist. The Marriage Encounter organization is one example of a group focused on couple communication. The Avoidant person needs some resource every week to sustain short-term efforts and quality individual psychotherapy to work toward long-term more permanent change.
Psychotherapy: Life Transformation Group will provide the couple counselling and individual psychotherapy that help you to press forward toward marital intimacy through individual emotional healing of the Avoidant Personality Pattern and support for the spouse during this long-term course correction. To discuss these options phone George Hartwell at (416) 939-0544 or Anna Wolanczyk at (647) 712-4848.
Outcome: What happens if you do not invest a minimum of once per week in specific intervention outside of the home see on the cost of divorce to couples and children.
More About the Avoidant Personality Pattern:
1. What are the Causes of an avoidant personality disorder?
The causes of the Avoidant Personality are hidden just as the person is hidden. They put much energy into managing public perception. You will see how they try to correct any confrontation or revelation about them.
The Avoidant Personality pattern is characterized by shame - lack of early affirmation which denies them the right to be a person that has a voice. Look back into their history and mother likely did not have close relationships with her parents. The mother of one Avoidant Personality case was sent to a boarding school like the English upper class used to do. My dad was a missionary kid back when missionaries sent their children to boarding school. So dad only saw his parents on holidays and dad was definately not one to share his love and life with this children.
The mother and father of an avoidant person was deprived of loving parents and were avoidant parents. This means during the first year - the crucial year for building the bond with her baby - mother backed out of intimate moments with her infant. She avoided eye contact, laughter together, intimacy with her infant. Of course, because she felt uncomfortable with intimacy, her infant learned to avoid as well. The first year is the foundation and the pattern perpetuates from there. If both parents continue to avoid intimate love contact with their child and there is no one else there to make eye contact and say 'I see you,' then the avoidant personality pattern gets deeper with each year.
Al alternate cause is desertion. You may find that mother or father deserted the child in the early years thus creating in the child too big a wound to trust again. The triggered pain of closeness is just too much. The desertion may have been a long hospitalization of even a vacation taken by the parents. We now know from John Bolby's work that a child goes into grieving when parents are missing. That is where we learned about the stages of grief.
I am sure you have people like that. Sometimes it does not have to go back to childhood but goes back to the pain of a more recent break-up.
The signs of an avoidant partner are the many ways they avoid personal sharing. Without personal sharing, openness, real intimacy and bonding cannot happen. There is no real intimacy. Unless you have been married to an avoidant personality you will never understand how extreme and consistent is their avoidance of sharing anything personal as in ANYTHING personal.
Avoidant people may not realize how much their communication is avoidant as they may consciously want to have a companion. It is their heart (unconscious) that has shut down to being in a love relationship. As a result the person will give mixed messages.
I find most Avoidant Person tend to avoid all risks not just intimacy in love and sharing in personal relationships but where it shows up the most is when their marriage partner withers for lack of life and love in the marriage. This lack of love sucks life, energy and health and can manifest as physical health problems in ones partner.
If your marriage is not a life-giving relationship it will be sucking life out of you and making you sick.
The Avoidant Personality pattern can sabotage our deep desire to have a life-long love partner. With the Avoidant Personality pattern often loneliness and isolation set in. In spite of your best Intentions, full commitment and dedicated efforts this pattern can be sink your hope for the love relationship that you need and hoped for.
You may be the partner of a partner with the Avoidant Personality Disorder or you may realize that you are the avoidant person. Everyone is frustrated with the outcome of a marriage to an avoidant personality. The spouse gradually becomes aware that intimacy, connection and emotional partnership is not happening with your partner. You now realize how persistent and obstinate the Avoidant Personality pattern is in preventing and blocking any activities that might lead to real connection.
Guide: Given how strong and deep-rooted is the resistance to intimacy nothing but consistent meeting with an experienced psychotherapist. Plan for a weekly session with a therapist or participation in a group or course that meets weekly and is focused on couple communication. Find a therapist who cares, understands, listens with empathy and encourages communication and skill development in you and your marriage partner.
Plan to meet every week either with a couple therapist, or attend a course focused on communication and listening or attend an individual session with an individual therapist. The Marriage Encounter organization is one example of a group focused on couple communication. The Avoidant person needs some resource every week to sustain short-term efforts and quality individual psychotherapy to work toward long-term more permanent change.
Psychotherapy: Life Transformation Group will provide the couple counselling and individual psychotherapy that help you to press forward toward marital intimacy through individual emotional healing of the Avoidant Personality Pattern and support for the spouse during this long-term course correction. To discuss these options phone George Hartwell at (416) 939-0544 or Anna Wolanczyk at (647) 712-4848.
Outcome: What happens if you do not invest a minimum of once per week in specific intervention outside of the home see on the cost of divorce to couples and children.
More About the Avoidant Personality Pattern:
1. What are the Causes of an avoidant personality disorder?
The causes of the Avoidant Personality are hidden just as the person is hidden. They put much energy into managing public perception. You will see how they try to correct any confrontation or revelation about them.
The Avoidant Personality pattern is characterized by shame - lack of early affirmation which denies them the right to be a person that has a voice. Look back into their history and mother likely did not have close relationships with her parents. The mother of one Avoidant Personality case was sent to a boarding school like the English upper class used to do. My dad was a missionary kid back when missionaries sent their children to boarding school. So dad only saw his parents on holidays and dad was definately not one to share his love and life with this children.
The mother and father of an avoidant person was deprived of loving parents and were avoidant parents. This means during the first year - the crucial year for building the bond with her baby - mother backed out of intimate moments with her infant. She avoided eye contact, laughter together, intimacy with her infant. Of course, because she felt uncomfortable with intimacy, her infant learned to avoid as well. The first year is the foundation and the pattern perpetuates from there. If both parents continue to avoid intimate love contact with their child and there is no one else there to make eye contact and say 'I see you,' then the avoidant personality pattern gets deeper with each year.
Al alternate cause is desertion. You may find that mother or father deserted the child in the early years thus creating in the child too big a wound to trust again. The triggered pain of closeness is just too much. The desertion may have been a long hospitalization of even a vacation taken by the parents. We now know from John Bolby's work that a child goes into grieving when parents are missing. That is where we learned about the stages of grief.
I am sure you have people like that. Sometimes it does not have to go back to childhood but goes back to the pain of a more recent break-up.
The signs of an avoidant partner are the many ways they avoid personal sharing. Without personal sharing, openness, real intimacy and bonding cannot happen. There is no real intimacy. Unless you have been married to an avoidant personality you will never understand how extreme and consistent is their avoidance of sharing anything personal as in ANYTHING personal.
Avoidant people may not realize how much their communication is avoidant as they may consciously want to have a companion. It is their heart (unconscious) that has shut down to being in a love relationship. As a result the person will give mixed messages.
I find most Avoidant Person tend to avoid all risks not just intimacy in love and sharing in personal relationships but where it shows up the most is when their marriage partner withers for lack of life and love in the marriage. This lack of love sucks life, energy and health and can manifest as physical health problems in ones partner.
If your marriage is not a life-giving relationship it will be sucking life out of you and making you sick.
2. How do you know if you have an avoidant personality disorder?
It is hard to know that you have an avoidant personality disorder. Each of us is used to life as we know it. Why would we think there is anything wrong?
However if one is given to self-observation you will notice that a lot of your life is based on fear of closeness. You do a lot of things to keep social distance and avoid intimate contact with others.
You may notice that you hate and avoid conflict. You may want to have your say but then do what you can to disappear so the other cannot respond. You disappear a lot. You also lie to avoid conflict or accountability.
You give solution answers to a person in trouble but do not empathize or respond to or acknowledge their feelings. You try to fix things rather but are not good at comforting the person.
When it comes to activities that go beyond your comfort zone you will tend to stay within your comfort zone rather than break out. You avoid risks in a lot of different areas.
Especially you avoid the risk of love. You avoid activities that could lead to personal communication, affection, bonding. That is the essential avoidance of the Avoidant Personality. Do people notice that you avoid eye contact for example? Do you avoid talking about anything personal because you like to stay private?
by George Hartwell M.Sc. Christian counsellor
It is hard to know that you have an avoidant personality disorder. Each of us is used to life as we know it. Why would we think there is anything wrong?
However if one is given to self-observation you will notice that a lot of your life is based on fear of closeness. You do a lot of things to keep social distance and avoid intimate contact with others.
You may notice that you hate and avoid conflict. You may want to have your say but then do what you can to disappear so the other cannot respond. You disappear a lot. You also lie to avoid conflict or accountability.
You give solution answers to a person in trouble but do not empathize or respond to or acknowledge their feelings. You try to fix things rather but are not good at comforting the person.
When it comes to activities that go beyond your comfort zone you will tend to stay within your comfort zone rather than break out. You avoid risks in a lot of different areas.
Especially you avoid the risk of love. You avoid activities that could lead to personal communication, affection, bonding. That is the essential avoidance of the Avoidant Personality. Do people notice that you avoid eye contact for example? Do you avoid talking about anything personal because you like to stay private?
by George Hartwell M.Sc. Christian counsellor
3. How can I fix my avoidant personality attitude?
When I speak of a full Avoidant Personality the main issues are the avoidance of risk and the avoidance, in particular, of the risk of revealing personal information about yourself and engaging in intimate interactions that might lead to bonding. IN essence it is love avoidance.
The avoidant is bonding avoidant. That includes conflict, physical closeness, eye contact, sharing personal information and so on.
I believe, and couple therapist are coming to believe, that couple bonding is at the core of marriage. People that are bonding avoidant avoid the unity, the bonding, the attachment, the oneness of marriage.
A true Avoidant is perfectly happy - content you may say - in a marriage with no bonding. Most people are not and that creates trouble for the marriage.
The person who wants bonding will be dissatisfied with a marriage without bonding. They will experience this as ‘Silent Divorce.’ They will push for change and may initiate divorce.
Very few true Avoidant Personalities can even tolerate the intimacy of psychotherapy to get help for their attitude. If you push an Avoidant toward therapy they get hostile.
However, If you leave an Avoidant they will also get hostile. Underneath avoidance is fear and underneath the Avoidant’s fear is anger.
I am not sure most Avoidants recognize that they are avoidants. So, do you still think you are avoidant? if so and given the destructiveness of this pattern and the havoc for marriage and health, I suggest psychotherapy.
Avoidance is obviously rooted in bonding issues which we now know if a pattern established into a nearly fixed state in the first year of childhood. Clearly it is a root issue that is not something you can fix yourself. However, you can make efforts to change some of the behaviours above. A 12 step group might help. A course on communication might help. The important thing is persistence. Taking courses and attending groups can help you to change specific behaviours. Eventually you can establish good habits. Even then it is very likely that quality psychotherapy is a necessity for long-lasting significant change.
So bravo for your initiative to fix this. All the best.
4. Can a person with avoidant personality disorder have a wife and children?
Yes they can.
The avoidant male or female is somewhat an expert at being peaceful and looking very calm and together. If their partner is not sensitive to the lack of personal sharing in the relationship, then it is quite possible for an avoidant person to end up married and with children.
Like the psychopath the Avoidant Personality creates the persona that accomplishes their life purpose to look like they are living when they are just going through the motions. The Avoidant woman look like the perfect wife by doing everything by the book, following rules, robotic-like. Think of the Stepford wives.
For the Avoidant Personality to avoid risk it is advantageous to be married and have children. It is a safe place to hide. No one can demand that they change. No one thinks there is anything wrong. They are, after all intensely, focused on keeping up appearances and, therefore, looking the part.
Only if their spouse needs intimacy there will be a problem - a growing dissatisfaction. There is sex without bonding, conversations without sharing, live without real connection. The marital connection, the holy bond, gradually withers away through neglect.
The resultant relationship lacks real love. Is not life-giving. Is not emotionally healthy. But looks like the perfect marriage. Imagine the possibilities for gas-lighting.
5. Avoidant personality question
What is the best way to show love to your partner with an avoidant personality disorder?
If your partner is an avoidant personality and you have the emotional intelligence (maturity) to love and encourage your partner, then you can encourage them to take the risks involved in living fully, growing, loving and discourage them from withdrawing from growth, life, and love.
Not everyone can do this but if you can, more power to you.
George Hartwell, I am a registered psychotherapist and I am available for phone sessions or in person in Mississauga, Ontario. (416) 939-0544
When I speak of a full Avoidant Personality the main issues are the avoidance of risk and the avoidance, in particular, of the risk of revealing personal information about yourself and engaging in intimate interactions that might lead to bonding. IN essence it is love avoidance.
The avoidant is bonding avoidant. That includes conflict, physical closeness, eye contact, sharing personal information and so on.
I believe, and couple therapist are coming to believe, that couple bonding is at the core of marriage. People that are bonding avoidant avoid the unity, the bonding, the attachment, the oneness of marriage.
A true Avoidant is perfectly happy - content you may say - in a marriage with no bonding. Most people are not and that creates trouble for the marriage.
The person who wants bonding will be dissatisfied with a marriage without bonding. They will experience this as ‘Silent Divorce.’ They will push for change and may initiate divorce.
Very few true Avoidant Personalities can even tolerate the intimacy of psychotherapy to get help for their attitude. If you push an Avoidant toward therapy they get hostile.
However, If you leave an Avoidant they will also get hostile. Underneath avoidance is fear and underneath the Avoidant’s fear is anger.
I am not sure most Avoidants recognize that they are avoidants. So, do you still think you are avoidant? if so and given the destructiveness of this pattern and the havoc for marriage and health, I suggest psychotherapy.
Avoidance is obviously rooted in bonding issues which we now know if a pattern established into a nearly fixed state in the first year of childhood. Clearly it is a root issue that is not something you can fix yourself. However, you can make efforts to change some of the behaviours above. A 12 step group might help. A course on communication might help. The important thing is persistence. Taking courses and attending groups can help you to change specific behaviours. Eventually you can establish good habits. Even then it is very likely that quality psychotherapy is a necessity for long-lasting significant change.
So bravo for your initiative to fix this. All the best.
4. Can a person with avoidant personality disorder have a wife and children?
Yes they can.
The avoidant male or female is somewhat an expert at being peaceful and looking very calm and together. If their partner is not sensitive to the lack of personal sharing in the relationship, then it is quite possible for an avoidant person to end up married and with children.
Like the psychopath the Avoidant Personality creates the persona that accomplishes their life purpose to look like they are living when they are just going through the motions. The Avoidant woman look like the perfect wife by doing everything by the book, following rules, robotic-like. Think of the Stepford wives.
For the Avoidant Personality to avoid risk it is advantageous to be married and have children. It is a safe place to hide. No one can demand that they change. No one thinks there is anything wrong. They are, after all intensely, focused on keeping up appearances and, therefore, looking the part.
Only if their spouse needs intimacy there will be a problem - a growing dissatisfaction. There is sex without bonding, conversations without sharing, live without real connection. The marital connection, the holy bond, gradually withers away through neglect.
The resultant relationship lacks real love. Is not life-giving. Is not emotionally healthy. But looks like the perfect marriage. Imagine the possibilities for gas-lighting.
5. Avoidant personality question
What is the best way to show love to your partner with an avoidant personality disorder?
If your partner is an avoidant personality and you have the emotional intelligence (maturity) to love and encourage your partner, then you can encourage them to take the risks involved in living fully, growing, loving and discourage them from withdrawing from growth, life, and love.
Not everyone can do this but if you can, more power to you.
George Hartwell, I am a registered psychotherapist and I am available for phone sessions or in person in Mississauga, Ontario. (416) 939-0544
A question about Avoidant personality disorder or severe social anxiety
What does it feel like to be in a relationship with someone with severe social anxiety/avoidant personality disorder?
The short answer is that being in a relationship with someone with severe social anxiety or avoidant personality can drain one of life, love and health. It is also confusing and frustrating because you will find it is impossible to move the relationship into true connection or intimacy.
Avoidance is the result of deep pain which we learn to avoid. Our painful experiences with love relationships can result in us avoiding love relationships. Social anxiety results from the failure to find comfort with people around. People make you anxious. The Avoidant personality may not avoid being with people as long there is no demand for authentic personal sharing of feelings and acknowledging others.
The Avoidant Personality avoids all forms of bonding, intimacy, connection with others on a heart to heart basis. One with social anxiety would prefer to avoid being with people altogether.
With the avoidant personality in marriage, it is as if, when at the altar getting married, one’s intended mate says ‘I do,’ while their heart says, ‘No I don’t’ and never wavers from that decision. It then never can mature into a full marriage where two people bond heart to heart.
And, yes, the Avoidant person avoids therapy if there is a risk of being vulnerable. In my experience, an avoidant personality would get hostile and hateful if pressured to go into therapy. Fear, in this case, surfaces as hate.
The Avoidant spouse is as good as a Psychopath at keeping up appearances. This reveals an extreme security being generated by the outer mask and rage or hate if you disturb this safety. There is extreme anxiety about being seen.
An avoidant wife never wanted curtains open so that anyone one the sidewalk could see in. Thus had no interest in seeing out if it meant someone could see in. Somehow there was safety in not being seen, like an ostrich hiding her head in the sand.
We know that people develop avoidant patterns very early in life. An avoidant pattern of attachment between mother and child can be detected at 12 months.
This happens when mother avoids the close relationship, avoids face to face interaction, does not smile and play with her infant, and fails to provide attentive care to her infant’s needs. However, this may need to be accentuated by loss of an attachment figure in early years.
This avoidant pattern is fairly well established in childhood as a result of failure to bond to mother. If mother stays the same and no one else provides the loving bond the pattern will continue through childhood.
A few other experience may come along to support that pattern such as father deserts the family. Then first spouse leaves him or her.
By now the person has an accumulation of emotional experience to maintain the avoidance pattern. Their Emotional Brain can refuse to participate in a close relationship.
What this feels like is lonely. You are in a marriage officially but it does not feel like it because your spouse is not in the marriage at the heart level.
In my marriage the sense of connection, love, unity faded over time until it was gone. The lack of connection left me dissatisfied with the marriage from early on.
I was left with a lot of frustration in trying to communicate with my wife or about our marriage. Avoidants do not do well with feedback, criticism, attempts to communicate about issues. They avoid - naturally. :-)
Yes it was second nature for my wife to avoid any and all sharing of information, anything personal, even if it was important for our planning. That is so irrational that it was deeply confusing. I did not grasp what was going on. It drove me crazy. It was unreal.
What does it feel like to be in a relationship with someone with severe social anxiety/avoidant personality disorder?
The short answer is that being in a relationship with someone with severe social anxiety or avoidant personality can drain one of life, love and health. It is also confusing and frustrating because you will find it is impossible to move the relationship into true connection or intimacy.
Avoidance is the result of deep pain which we learn to avoid. Our painful experiences with love relationships can result in us avoiding love relationships. Social anxiety results from the failure to find comfort with people around. People make you anxious. The Avoidant personality may not avoid being with people as long there is no demand for authentic personal sharing of feelings and acknowledging others.
The Avoidant Personality avoids all forms of bonding, intimacy, connection with others on a heart to heart basis. One with social anxiety would prefer to avoid being with people altogether.
With the avoidant personality in marriage, it is as if, when at the altar getting married, one’s intended mate says ‘I do,’ while their heart says, ‘No I don’t’ and never wavers from that decision. It then never can mature into a full marriage where two people bond heart to heart.
And, yes, the Avoidant person avoids therapy if there is a risk of being vulnerable. In my experience, an avoidant personality would get hostile and hateful if pressured to go into therapy. Fear, in this case, surfaces as hate.
The Avoidant spouse is as good as a Psychopath at keeping up appearances. This reveals an extreme security being generated by the outer mask and rage or hate if you disturb this safety. There is extreme anxiety about being seen.
An avoidant wife never wanted curtains open so that anyone one the sidewalk could see in. Thus had no interest in seeing out if it meant someone could see in. Somehow there was safety in not being seen, like an ostrich hiding her head in the sand.
We know that people develop avoidant patterns very early in life. An avoidant pattern of attachment between mother and child can be detected at 12 months.
This happens when mother avoids the close relationship, avoids face to face interaction, does not smile and play with her infant, and fails to provide attentive care to her infant’s needs. However, this may need to be accentuated by loss of an attachment figure in early years.
This avoidant pattern is fairly well established in childhood as a result of failure to bond to mother. If mother stays the same and no one else provides the loving bond the pattern will continue through childhood.
A few other experience may come along to support that pattern such as father deserts the family. Then first spouse leaves him or her.
By now the person has an accumulation of emotional experience to maintain the avoidance pattern. Their Emotional Brain can refuse to participate in a close relationship.
What this feels like is lonely. You are in a marriage officially but it does not feel like it because your spouse is not in the marriage at the heart level.
In my marriage the sense of connection, love, unity faded over time until it was gone. The lack of connection left me dissatisfied with the marriage from early on.
I was left with a lot of frustration in trying to communicate with my wife or about our marriage. Avoidants do not do well with feedback, criticism, attempts to communicate about issues. They avoid - naturally. :-)
Yes it was second nature for my wife to avoid any and all sharing of information, anything personal, even if it was important for our planning. That is so irrational that it was deeply confusing. I did not grasp what was going on. It drove me crazy. It was unreal.
Are people with avoidant personality disorder misunderstood socially and professionally, and how does this manifest?
Well, yes they are misunderstood a lot. Their friends and social contacts will not realize they their friend is avoiding sharing anything personal. If a friend is concerned with them, they will invest a lot of effort in correcting and persuading their friend that there is no problem. They are good at staying undercover.
The same applies to professional contacts. They are very good at hiding, following the rules and mechanically meeting expectations.
Only in marriage do you get partners who realize something is wrong; this isn’t a real marriage. This may take a lot of time. The marital partner feels vague dissatisfaction but can’t put a finger on it. The avoidant personality is again very good at hiding while complying outwardly.
Do you know the story about the Stepford Wives? The Avoidant wife could be compared to a Stepford wife - mechanically meeting all expectations but consistently avoiding all intimacy.
One may be confused by their appropriate and friendly outward appearance and the potential for real love and bonding with the avoidant person or in their marriage.
Well, yes they are misunderstood a lot. Their friends and social contacts will not realize they their friend is avoiding sharing anything personal. If a friend is concerned with them, they will invest a lot of effort in correcting and persuading their friend that there is no problem. They are good at staying undercover.
The same applies to professional contacts. They are very good at hiding, following the rules and mechanically meeting expectations.
Only in marriage do you get partners who realize something is wrong; this isn’t a real marriage. This may take a lot of time. The marital partner feels vague dissatisfaction but can’t put a finger on it. The avoidant personality is again very good at hiding while complying outwardly.
Do you know the story about the Stepford Wives? The Avoidant wife could be compared to a Stepford wife - mechanically meeting all expectations but consistently avoiding all intimacy.
One may be confused by their appropriate and friendly outward appearance and the potential for real love and bonding with the avoidant person or in their marriage.
Is there any cure to avoidant personality disorder?
If the person turns to professional psychotherapy there is a cure for the Avoidant Personality Disorder. There is a reason it is called a personality. One might be able to change behaviour, although that is difficult, but no one can change a personality without access to some pretty powerful methods.
Remember, though, how hard it is for the avoidant person to face the significant risks involved in real therapy, real life, real love, real change. Because in therapy you need to share your heart, your feelings and personal information. For some people that may be achievable. For the Avoidant it is a major obstacle. Support those who take on this challenge.
Normally the Avoidant Personality person will insist on trying to change on their own. They might read books but not by engaging in individual Psychotherapy or couple therapy. This approach at self-change will not work. Can a lion change her colour? Neither can we cannot change our own personality.
Fundamentally the Avoidant person is a risk avoider, a life avoider and a love avoider. They also hate negatives and would fight anyone that tried to say they have a need for therapy or that suggested that they have a personality disorder.
In therapy their patterns lead them to avoid exposing themselves or facing real issues. They want to live life as a robot following the rules. In therapy they may adjust the rules but not change the way the do life.
However, if you have avoidant personality pattern and are reading this, then already there is a sign of hope. Growth, healing, ‘cure’ only comes with risk.
I say to you - be of good courage. If you have avoidant personality and have a therapist then you are showing unusual courage - persist.
Take the risk of life and you will have life.
Take the risk of love and you will have love.
Take the risk of feeling and you will come alive.
Take the risk of listening and you will not be so alone.
Explore your life with a caring therapist and, you may heal your life.
A long journey begins with the first step!
If the person turns to professional psychotherapy there is a cure for the Avoidant Personality Disorder. There is a reason it is called a personality. One might be able to change behaviour, although that is difficult, but no one can change a personality without access to some pretty powerful methods.
Remember, though, how hard it is for the avoidant person to face the significant risks involved in real therapy, real life, real love, real change. Because in therapy you need to share your heart, your feelings and personal information. For some people that may be achievable. For the Avoidant it is a major obstacle. Support those who take on this challenge.
Normally the Avoidant Personality person will insist on trying to change on their own. They might read books but not by engaging in individual Psychotherapy or couple therapy. This approach at self-change will not work. Can a lion change her colour? Neither can we cannot change our own personality.
Fundamentally the Avoidant person is a risk avoider, a life avoider and a love avoider. They also hate negatives and would fight anyone that tried to say they have a need for therapy or that suggested that they have a personality disorder.
In therapy their patterns lead them to avoid exposing themselves or facing real issues. They want to live life as a robot following the rules. In therapy they may adjust the rules but not change the way the do life.
However, if you have avoidant personality pattern and are reading this, then already there is a sign of hope. Growth, healing, ‘cure’ only comes with risk.
I say to you - be of good courage. If you have avoidant personality and have a therapist then you are showing unusual courage - persist.
Take the risk of life and you will have life.
Take the risk of love and you will have love.
Take the risk of feeling and you will come alive.
Take the risk of listening and you will not be so alone.
Explore your life with a caring therapist and, you may heal your life.
A long journey begins with the first step!
What are some good things that come with having avoidant personality disorder?
Yes there are good things in the life of the avoidant personality disorder:
Peace. They excel at creating a peaceful, calm undisturbed household.
No conflict. If you want a marriage without conflict then marry the avoidant personality.
Stability. An avoidant will strive to live a very steady, stable life.