Marriage Therapy with the Narcissist
My story of marriage therapy with a Narcissist
I was called to do three days of marital therapy with a couple. This involved six hours per day for three days in a row. The couple drove for six hours to get to the location of my office. I met with them the next day.
On the phone the man warned me that his wife had serious issues with obsessive compulsive traits. I find it both awkward and off-putting when one spouse puts in a word against their partner unless it is really essential information.
When we met it seemed that he talked without a break. He told me a lot about himself. It seemed whatever he said about her was what was wrong with her. He did not take any responsibility for his attitudes or behaviour.
An important part of my marriage counselling is teaching, guiding and encouraging the listening response to one's partner - reflect what the other feels, reflect their perspective. He never seemed to get these basic ground rules.
Her complaint about him was that he would not give her a break. She needed time to herself. She needed breaks from his verbal barrage. She needed him to respect what I call the 'Time Out' signal.
She reported that he talked too much and refused to give her a break from his intensity. She did not feel safe in that situation. he did not reflect her request. He did not reflect her feeling (overwhelmed). He did not agree to honour her request for time outs. This was frustrating to me.
I was happy that she was clear about the main request she had of him and that she stuck to her point. It makes my job easier if you can say what you need. She kept is to that one simple request.
As a marriage counsellor I consider that honouring time out signals is a high priority. I know that many instances of physical violence in marriage occurs when someone needs a break and the escapes are blocked. I definately supported her in her request and encouraged him to respond to it.
Finally, I began to think of him as a narcissist. Why? One was how he talked without stop and monopolized the time. Talked mainly about himself. Second was that he always talked about himself positively and about her negatively. Three, he did not hear or acknowledge or agree to her one simple and important request to honour her time outs.
This has to do with someone who thinks he is so great, so important and so morally superior to others that they see others as his inferior, their needs are unimportant and he can ignore their requests. I observed this attitude as persistent toward his marriage partner even when observed and mediated by a professional counsellor.
Meantime I am instructing them in listening to one another by acknowledging the other’s perspective and feelings. He could not do that:
It seemed to be true that, even with regular weekly sessions and other support, it would be unlikely that this marriage could ever be made into a healthy safe place for her. George H
On the phone the man warned me that his wife had serious issues with obsessive compulsive traits. I find it both awkward and off-putting when one spouse puts in a word against their partner unless it is really essential information.
When we met it seemed that he talked without a break. He told me a lot about himself. It seemed whatever he said about her was what was wrong with her. He did not take any responsibility for his attitudes or behaviour.
An important part of my marriage counselling is teaching, guiding and encouraging the listening response to one's partner - reflect what the other feels, reflect their perspective. He never seemed to get these basic ground rules.
Her complaint about him was that he would not give her a break. She needed time to herself. She needed breaks from his verbal barrage. She needed him to respect what I call the 'Time Out' signal.
She reported that he talked too much and refused to give her a break from his intensity. She did not feel safe in that situation. he did not reflect her request. He did not reflect her feeling (overwhelmed). He did not agree to honour her request for time outs. This was frustrating to me.
I was happy that she was clear about the main request she had of him and that she stuck to her point. It makes my job easier if you can say what you need. She kept is to that one simple request.
As a marriage counsellor I consider that honouring time out signals is a high priority. I know that many instances of physical violence in marriage occurs when someone needs a break and the escapes are blocked. I definately supported her in her request and encouraged him to respond to it.
Finally, I began to think of him as a narcissist. Why? One was how he talked without stop and monopolized the time. Talked mainly about himself. Second was that he always talked about himself positively and about her negatively. Three, he did not hear or acknowledge or agree to her one simple and important request to honour her time outs.
This has to do with someone who thinks he is so great, so important and so morally superior to others that they see others as his inferior, their needs are unimportant and he can ignore their requests. I observed this attitude as persistent toward his marriage partner even when observed and mediated by a professional counsellor.
Meantime I am instructing them in listening to one another by acknowledging the other’s perspective and feelings. He could not do that:
- even though they drove for 6 hours and spent three days to work on their issues.
- Even though she was very clear and stayed on message as to her main need.
- Even though the result of failure would break up the marriage and
- He would lose his place to live, to store all his hobby stuff and a workshop to work in.
It seemed to be true that, even with regular weekly sessions and other support, it would be unlikely that this marriage could ever be made into a healthy safe place for her. George H
Whether to Confront a Narcissist or not
No. You should not confront a narcissist. Wise clinicians advice against confronting your narcissist or calling them out by telling that they are narcissists.
Narcissist control the conversation and after you confront them they will immediately take over and give you a 20 minute monologue that will make you sorry you ever said anything. Of course, through denial and projection, they will be very successful in making you feel that you are the narcissist.
You can't reason with narcissists because they do not function on the level of reason. So you never have a simple Adult to Adult conversation that deals with the facts.
Narcissists do not have empathy. They do not listen. Especially they do not respond to a clear, direct confrontation. They do not respond to getting books, articles or videos on narcissist.
Narcissist do not become nice because you figured out who they are. So learn techniques of protection, boundaries for yourself and others.
One reason they do not accept feedback is their life position - a life position in which they are superior to everyone. Superior persons don't listen to others, they tell others. They strongly and completely believe that they are right and everyone else is small, weak and wrong.
Narcissist control the conversation and after you confront them they will immediately take over and give you a 20 minute monologue that will make you sorry you ever said anything. Of course, through denial and projection, they will be very successful in making you feel that you are the narcissist.
You can't reason with narcissists because they do not function on the level of reason. So you never have a simple Adult to Adult conversation that deals with the facts.
Narcissists do not have empathy. They do not listen. Especially they do not respond to a clear, direct confrontation. They do not respond to getting books, articles or videos on narcissist.
Narcissist do not become nice because you figured out who they are. So learn techniques of protection, boundaries for yourself and others.
One reason they do not accept feedback is their life position - a life position in which they are superior to everyone. Superior persons don't listen to others, they tell others. They strongly and completely believe that they are right and everyone else is small, weak and wrong.